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My depression and music in my life

I image that some people are surprised this title. I am now a psychotic depressive. Recently, we can find the news of this disease related suicide of middle age. I have fallen this disease. When the disease was deepest, I absent my work more than 30 days. Now, I am receiving counsel from Dr. and taking medicine, and I feel that my disease has passed the crisis. At present, I feel that my depression affects my everyday life and my work more slightly than before. But it affects seriously my life of music. I would like this thing.

At first, I should describe "depression". People with good health become sometimes gloomy. But "depression" as the name of disease is completely different. In my feeling, "depression" as the name of disease is "the situation of the serious lack of physical strength in spirit". For example, if we define the situation of the people with perfectly good health to 100, and we define the situation that above people are very tired to 80, it is 40 for a depressive. (These numbers are not absolute. It is only from my feeling.)

On the end of November 1999, the doctor diagnosed me as "depression" pneumonia. Before this, I had been often absent from my office with the symptom like cold. I think that I was discouraged from our hard work. On December, 1999, the concert "Gloria Ensemble and Choir" was performed and I joined it. But I think that it was over-activity. The concert itself was very enjoyable experience, but after that, my symptom became worse. At night I cannot sleep more than three or four hours with uneasiness. Distressing until 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. and I had waked up at 5:00 a.m. The condition was bad and lying down bedding, I often thought "I could die when I cut the vein in my a wrist.

To recover from depressive, it is most effective that being hospitalized. But unfortunately I had big project in my work, so I discuss with the Dr. and decide that recovering with working. We thought it may long.

I feel that the period of the crisis was January to February 2000. In Japanese BBS on February 21, I wrote a sentence titled "I became a depressive."

By the way, there is "music therapy". People who experienced dislike things or painful things often listen music and heal their mind. "Music therapy" is application or development of these things. But in my case, my disease was worse than these level. I wanted to refuse all music. Of course I became not to be albe to play any instruments. I felt heavy stress to touch music. I belong to the chorus group and recorder ensemble group, but I absent these groups

In the state of "refusing all music", in my bedding, I felt at peace when I was listening birds singing, or the sound of rain. And I don't refuse to listen the music of my composition. And I can compose new music. (Indeed, "Variations on a theme by G.F.Handel" was composed in this period. Now I cannot believe that I composed such music. The unstable codes in Var.4, Var.5 and Var.7 seem to be from the reflection of the unstablemy situation in my mind. But listening other music was painful. The middle of February, there was a concert which my friend attended, but heavy exhaustion and painful disturb me to keep listening the music.

I mention my listening of music. In music therapy, baroque music is good to use. But in my case this is not correct. I feel that I have custom to listen music with analyzing for baroque music. It is far from "therapy". Probably I cannot listen my favorite piece.

June, 2000, I feel that I have been fairly recovered after taking drugs and counseling. I can work in our office, and I gradually restart music activity. When I play my instrument, I become not to feel exhaustion.

In music composition, ... I completely used my energy of composition or arrangement after I completed "Variations on a theme by G.F.Handel.". For new compositions or arrangements, I save new power in a several times.

"Listening music" ... It is very late to recover. At present I can listen is the CD's of Handel's concerti grossi Why I can listen ? Firstly, I bought these CD's recently and I have not listen so many times. Secondly Handel's compositions are "large-hearted" rather than J.S.Bach etc. My collections of music have been Bach and Beethoven, but I cannot these collections when my disease becomes smaller.

And I tried to listen "Arcangelo Corelli" -- inventor of baroque sonata and concerto grosso -- . But it was harder than Handel. It is said that Handel's concerto grosso is directly from Corelli. So I thought it was easier to listen Corelli than Handel. I felt that the concentration of Corelli was higher than that of Handel. (It is interesting theme, but I do not treat it.)

After all, my depression seriously affected to my music life. But there are many of music in our life and I cannot image the life without music. I feel that I should find combine my therapy and music.

** As described below, this was firstly updated as the description of July, 2000 in Japanese. Now (July,2006) I can say that I am recovered from this depression.

(Originally written on 2000.Nov.15 in Japanese)
(Translated in English on 2001.Jan.23)

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